Team Off The Rails. Photo by Liv von Oelreich.
The Swinomish Slough Hall of Horrors
Update from the Race Boss
June 12, 2021
Thursday was a turnstile of finishes sealing the question of prize winners in both Go Fast and Go Hard classes, and bringing a raft of hangry competitors riding high-octane boats with their versions of lift kits, custom headers, and oversized exhaust systems. Ruining the lead pack pedigree were rides from a past racing era, saddled with racers that refused to believe they shouldn’t be this fast. (Ahem…Team Fressure). Twelve teams crossed the line among fanfare filling the docks and turning this corner of town into a carnival. And as it turned out, R2AK-veteran first and second place holders, teams First Fed’s Sail Like a Girl and Big Broderna, fell to cowboys from Montana, lake sailors of Idaho, and a rabble crew out of Olympia who were finishing their victory smoke when they denied these champ R2AK teams a place at the podium.*
These finishes are timestamps on a race that is far from over for most of the teams who saw a day begin calmly, turn “lively,” then finish in angry waves, leaving one team—Pacific Boys—battened down at anchor, unable to reach the finish only 8 miles to the south.
Five teams made it in yesterday, beginning with Off the Rails at an appalling 2:36 in the morning, followed by BendRacing, Canal Rats, Free Narwhal, and Old Salts. What’s that? Did I say BendRacing? Hell yes, the double kayak and World Champions of the Human Powered Class paddled into Port Townsend at 6:26 AM, setting a record of 4 days and 26 minutes, averaging over 3.7 nautical miles an hour for the entire race. Paddling, with their bodies.
More on that freaky feat in another update, because they, and all these human-powered racers, require a finer lens and a stiff drink.
What also was brought to the spotlight Friday was the truth that no one knows what the hell is happening in the Swinomish Slough, ever.
When Stephen King writes his 400th supernatural horror suspense thriller, it’s going to look exactly like what happened to our teams on Friday. Sure, Team Three Times the Dunn sailed wing-on-wing right up the slough, much akin to when Gulls on Buoys sailed up the whole waterway on a single tack just a day before, but that is how all his novels start. What began as pastoral ended with SUP teams Scott Baste and Freedom running away from the water with boards in hand for inexplicable reasons. We found Team Dunlin lashed to a log boom because he couldn’t stand the place anymore and inaction proved to be so much better mentally than any other choice.
R2AK alum Team Ravenous was discovered with their Hobie Cat buried bow into the mud and thrashing beside it, mid-thigh in the conspirator mudbank. They may have done it on purpose, but what diabolical antagonist put that into their heads as a good idea? The south end toyed with boats in an aquatic reboot of the villainous George Stark. Currents and shifting winds constantly threatened boats with groundings and even repelled boats entirely. Team Monkey Fist decided it was far safer to gamble with the bedrock cliffs of Deception Pass than to risk oblivion in the Hall of Horrors the Slough had become.
There is good in this too. Hodge’s wife packed Team Monkey Fist an advent calendar of sorts, each day rewarding them with a home-cooked treat. And not to be outdone, the duo making up Team Three Times the Dunn celebrated a birthday with dehydrated biscuits and gravy. How the hades do you dehydrate biscuits and gravy?
Ahh, we learn so much from this race.
Freaking Cute Update
Fisheries Supply Team Unicorns with Pretty Horns sailed through Deception Pass among cheers and fanfare, all while wearing hats, with horns.
Integrity Award
Team Felicity-Farkle (still don’t know what that means) called me promptly at 11:42 AM to inform me they were disqualified. They exited out of Deception Pass and turned, too soon, into shelter for a sail change. Deception Pass was, however, not done with them and drove them close enough to the rocks that starting the motor was the only apparent option. We know this because there was no media boat, no nearby team, no witness—they called us.
And so it goes, an intangible rule of WA360 brought to our last and most important highlight. No matter what you do in this race, leave with your honor intact. Thank you, Felicity-Farkle.
*We at WA360 recognize that those cowboys out of Montana did finish 10th in the 2019 R2AK, but the statement still stands.